When Marriage Feels Hard: Biblical Wisdom for Staying Connected

“I started seeing submission, respect and reverence as a love language — not as a duty that I have to do."

“Marriage is hard.”

We hear this all the time. But what if a better way to say it is: marriage requires hard work.

Join me on the podcast for an engaging conversation with marriage coaches and authors Valerie and Marcellus Bonner, who offer a refreshing, biblical perspective rooted in more than four decades of faithfully walking through life together.

Drawing from both personal experience and biblical wisdom, the Bonners share the foundational principles that have sustained their marriage through seasons of joy, grief, growth, and challenge—including the heartbreaking loss of a child early in their marriage.

Below is a snippet of our conversation. You can listen to/watch the full conversation on Apple, Spotify or YouTube.

So, what are some key principles to a thriving marriage?

Valerie: Well first, marriage is an institution that God established from the beginning. It’s a God thing, a God design. And what has helped us is recognizing that it’s a union – that’s what marriage is. And by it being a union, it has caused us to start realizing this is serious.

Marcellus: And that’s the first key in my book — the unity foundation, from Genesis 2:24. And then the second key is love and respect. Number three is what we call emotional intimacy, or staying connected emotionally.

And early on in our marriage, we experienced a loss of one of our children, in our 20s. So we had to stay emotionally connected. So, I bring out three things that we did in that, and we talk about that in our book (Forever Together: Unveiling the Keys to Lasting Marriage Connection). And it’s actually three things: vulnerability, empathy and support.

Valerie: And what has helped us, and helped me too, is getting into the Word. I started getting into the Word. And when I got into the Word, I started seeing what marriage is – Genesis 2:24 – and I started understanding my role.

We as wives or a woman can have our mindset to where we are called to be a helper. A helper in the Word of God is strength. God said the Holy Spirit is our helper. So it’s not an inferiority. It is a role of strength.

So once I started seeing that, I no longer saw reverence and respect and submission as a duty. I started seeing it as something that I can embrace, that helps me grow.

I had to come to that point though because I was kicking against the bricks. Even though we have had a good marriage, I had to come to that for myself. I had to realize that the submission that God talks about in Colossians 3 is a love language, not a regiment that I have to do.

Marcellus: But what connects all of this, all these key principles, is spiritual connection. And that’s the common bond, I think, that has really helped us together after all these years. It’s growing together.

We tell couples: grow together. From a spiritual standpoint, I don’t think a lot of people talk about the spiritual aspect of their relationship a lot. But I think it’s important that couples learn how to grow together in their faith.

We’ve always had our time together — I always call it our spiritual small talk. That’s kind of the term I named it. And it would happen at different times for us because of the different seasons we were in.

But from a spiritual standpoint, we always have some conversation about the Word of God, we spend time in prayer, and we pray together through so many things in our lives.

I always tell couples, when we hit those bumps in the road or whatever, we would be up at 3 o’clock in the morning praying together. But we have always — somehow, someway, by God’s grace — had that spiritual connection. And God has honored that.

But this is why we call our coaching business “Marriage Investors.” Because you have to be intentional. It’s just like Jesus says in Matthew, “Where your treasure is, that’s where your heart will also be.”

So many couples neglect their relationship and don’t spend time with each other. You got to put some work into it. And we hear this thing all the time: marriage is hard. But you know what? Marriage requires hard work. And that’s how we reframe it. It requires hard work.

You have to invest that time, that energy, that effort. It takes a lot of that because in those different seasons, you’re tired, you’re worn out, and then, you know, here comes your spouse. But if you put that effort in, God will truly bless it.

Can you talk a little bit more about the Biblical idea of submission?

Valerie: Yeah, let me just go back to one scripture, 1 Peter 3. He says that if, as women, your husband may not be walking in a certain way of obedience, it says that you are to pray for him. Pray!

And He told us, as a woman, that your conduct should be as a way of purity and chaste that your husband will see your behavior and be drawn to the Lord. That’s in 1 Peter 3.

So my role is, first of all, again, examining your heart and asking God to change your mind to line up with Him. Now, this doesn’t apply to abuse. None of that, none of that. I’m dispelling that, but the heart of God is love and it’s quiet. And in 1 Peter 3, He tells us to have a quiet and gentle spirit.

And what I have found – I know myself – is that we are very vocal. And with our husbands, we can bring it on, you know, ‘do it right now,’ and ‘this is what I’m saying,’ you know.

But sometimes God is telling us to just have a quietness, as Sarah did with Abraham. And if we do that, He promises that the husband will change and it says he will get saved. I mean, that’s in the Word, so we can claim that!

But, like I said earlier about respect, I had to be renewed in the love language. That this is not a beat down inferiority that God wants in our life. In other cultures, it might be, but when your eyes are open to truth, you realize it’s a love language of doing it.

How do you coach or advise couples who are feeling disconnected?

Marcellus: Anytime that we find ourselves disconnected, the first thing we start to do is look at the other person.

So the main thing we try to do is to get the couple to focus on themselves — to look at, where am I contributing to this situation? Where have I neglected some things? Maybe I don’t have my spiritual disciplines in place. Maybe my prayer needs some work.

That’s what we found out in so many cases – couples just need to refocus on things spiritually and say Lord, I need some help, help me with this.

And then in that whole process — we call it the awareness process — they become aware of some things. And then we give them a roadmap. Once they become aware, then they realize the things that they need to do to get that connection back.

Valerie: This is our passion. But you have to renew the mind to what God says and allow His spirit to give you a vision of the church and Christ, like Paul talks about in Ephesians 5:32. He describes marriage as a reflection of the relationship between Jesus and the Church.

So He wants us to see it from a spiritual point of view. He wants us to see it that way to get a freshness. And so what we want to do with our couples, especially the believers, is to bring it back. Bring it back to the basics.

We’ll say come back, come back. The lies that have been told in our culture — that you don’t need to respect him, that you can be this, be that — but God is calling us back to His Word.

And His Word is it. And He said, in some translations, that it’s a mystery (Ephesians 5:32). It’s something that we can’t one, two, three, try to line it up. If it don’t work this way, if it’s not that way, then I’m out. That’s not how the Church is. That’s not how Christ is with us. So we have to bring back that scenario of Christ and the Church.

Once we get that vision in, it’s allowing God to reshape your marriage. It’s allowing the Spirit to flow in it. It’s a hundredfold that God wants to bless your marriage. He wants to really lavish it. He wants to lavish His love just like how He loves us. And He wants the husband to love and the woman to respect, as Christ is with the Church and His bride.

And He is saying, come on back, come on back to that love language. Bring that back. Go back to your first love. You know, just like you first had a relationship with the Lord, sometimes it gets cold. Sometimes you need to be refreshed. The same thing with the marriage. You need to be refreshed.

When you feel disconnected, come on back to me. Come on, I’m willing, I’m willing. I’m ready for your marriage to grow.

And sometimes, you’re going to miss it. You will miss it. But God’s grace and mercy will bring you back in and He will cover you and get you in a flow. He will use everything in our lives to work it out for our good.

He wants our marriage to have good days, according to 1 Peter 3. But there are certain things that we have to operate in to align with God so they can flow.

And through our decades of trials and things we've been through, God has been faithful. And I just want to encourage the younger couples, don't give in, don't give into the lies.

Start getting yourself in line with what God is saying. And I will suggest a 30 day challenge. If you start doing it God's way, watch Him perform. And if it don't work, you need to call me!

Listen to or watch the full conversation on Apple, Spotify or YouTube.

Thank you for being here,

Katharine

P.S. Eternal Echoes is free today. But if you’d like to partner with me in passing on faith and wisdom to future generations, I’d be so grateful if you consider supporting my work. I thank you truly, kindly and sincerely.

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