Below is part of a conversation with Anita Keagy, an author, speaker, and founder of JoyShop Ministries, a ministry dedicated to helping people rediscover the joy that comes from seeking God first.
As a young pastor’s daughter, Anita faced an unplanned pregnancy, the heartbreak of placing her baby for adoption, and years of wondering if her daughter knew she was loved. Here she shares her deeply personal journey from heartbreak to healing — and how God turned her greatest pain into a life-giving ministry.
If you prefer listening, you can listen to/watch the full conversation on Apple, Spotify or YouTube.
I was a pastor’s daughter and I loved the Lord. But as a high school student, I started dating and I started messing around physically. And I bought into this lie that you can mess around, do some exploration, as long as you don’t do it — as long as you don’t go the whole way.
So fast forward, senior year, prom night, I went with a guy. We were sort of dating, but definitely I wasn’t in love with him or anything because he was in love with my best friend, which I knew, but she didn’t like him. So, it was fair game, so to speak.
So we left prom, we went and parked, we started making out, and then wow it was the closest I ever got to losing my virginity, I’ll just put it that way. So I felt very bad about that and so the next day I got together with this guy and we prayed, we asked God to forgive us because we were both in youth group and we both loved God.
And then a few weeks later, my family packed up to move from Tennessee to Pennsylvania. But a week or two before it was time to go, I find out I’m pregnant.
I remember laying on the examining table, my mom beside me – now my mother and dad never kissed till the day they were married – and here’s the doctor telling me I’m pregnant. So I would have been three months pregnant.
So we left the doctor’s office. We were actually on our way to a picnic to welcome our family to the community. We had to pretend everything was fine. I couldn’t pretend when I thought no one was looking. I found our car. I went and just hid in the car and cried and cried because I was so afraid.
And I didn’t know what I was gonna do. And now I was seeing that my selfishness, my foolishness of buying into the lie that ‘nobody will know, nobody’s gonna get hurt,’ now I was seeing that that was a lie. And now my actions were gonna impact the life I was carrying, my family, the church community. We were a brand new pastors family. And so it was a very difficult time. I was full of fear.
And I’m going to tell you the thing I remember about that day at that picnic was my father. He saw I was missing and he came looking for me and he got in the car with me, put his arms around me, and cried with me.
And my parents walked the talk. They were very righteous people, in a good way. And they could have yelled at me. They could have said, ‘What were you thinking? You knew better.’ They could have thrown accusations at me, but not once did they say anything unkind to me.
And I think they saw my brokenness and they didn’t want to add to that. And I’m going to tell you something, when you fail, you don’t need anyone shaming you. The enemy is already shaming you. He’s doing enough of it.
Anyway, that night we left, we went home and we prayed together, we cried together, and basically my parents told me I had to make a decision. And of course, in my self-righteousness, my senior year – when abortion had just become legal – I wrote a paper why you shouldn’t get an abortion. It’s taking a life. Clearly I knew in my conscience it was taking a life.
But now that I’m in those shoes, now the enemy – the thief who’s out to steal, kill and destroy – is now throwing those darts and those lies saying, ‘You can’t have a baby. Your dad’s gonna get fired. What will all your righteous relatives think that you’re not old enough?’
And so in my moment of paralyzing fear, I bought into the lie, at first, that I’ve got to get an abortion. That’s the only way out. And so I went to my parents and even though I knew that’s not what I really wanted to do, I said to my parents, ‘I think I need to get an abortion.’
And I thank God that my parents looked at me very kindly and said, ‘Anita, that’s not one of your options because we know how you will feel years later about that choice.’ And because I knew they loved me and because I knew I had their support, I could go back to the Father.
That verse in Matthew where Jesus says, ‘Go and pray to your Father in secret’, I literally went into my closet, shut the door and I cried out to God saying, ‘Okay, God, what do I do? What’s the best plan for this child I’m carrying for me personally and my family?’
And in that sacred moment, I didn’t hear an audible voice, but I did feel He was saying to me that the best plan would be to place my child for adoption. And the reason I felt that was what He was saying to me was because of the peace that I had. I can’t explain it. I went from fear and turmoil to this place of peace and feeling God’s presence.
And so I went out of the closet. I told my parents that I felt that this was the route I was to go. So they said they would support me.
So I made the decision that I would place my child for adoption. This was in 1975 – they did not have pregnancy resource centers like they do today. And I had to work with the local social services. I knew the adoption would be closed. They counseled me not to see my child or to hold my child when the child was born.
And so, and I will say that I had immense battles, even though I knew in my heart that this was what I felt God said would be the best plan.
There was one day as I was getting close to my due date that I just cried and cried and said, ‘God, I cannot give up my own flesh and blood. I can’t.’ And as I was crying, I had a Christian radio station on, and all of a sudden I heard this man say one sentence, I didn’t hear anything else, but what he said was: ‘Never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light.’
And for me, I felt God was saying, ‘When you were in the closet praying, you were in my light. And I gave you the best plan, but your emotions are taking you into the dark and it’s gonna get darker. You gotta hang on to what I told you when you were in my light.’ And so I call that my seal-the-deal moment that I knew no matter what my emotions were gonna scream at me that I would stick to His plan.
So on January 25th, 1975, my parents went with me into the hospital. I gave birth to a little girl. I didn’t get to see her or hold her. I heard her cry and it broke my heart and I heard the nurses taking her out. And I can honestly tell you the day I left the hospital without my baby girl was the hardest day of my life.
But you know, you have to choose to trust God. And I had to choose to believe that He would put her in the best Christian home. That’s all I could do is ask – that they place her in a strong Christian home to be raised like I had been raised.
And I had to just go on with my life and trust that He would be big enough to meet her in her pain of adoption. And so, I put her into God’s hands. I went on to Messiah College, and then I met my husband and God blessed us with four kids, but I never forgot my daughter.
As the years went by, I just thought, I wonder if she knows how much I love her. But I had no way to tell her because it was closed.
But one day I just thought, you know what? I am gonna make it easy for her to find me if she ever wants to. I called the social service and it was in that phone call they told me that I could start a file if I wanted – that I could write my daughter letters, I could send them to the agency, they would place the letters in a file, and when she turned 18, legally, if she contacted them, they could tell her there’s a file with letters for her.
I was blown away with excitement that I finally had a way to tell her how much I loved her and that I wanted her to know I wanted to be in a relationship with her when and if she was ever ready. And so I began writing letters, sending in letters and pictures. And she turned 18, 19, 20, 21, nothing happened.
And I just kept feeling this burden. What if she doesn’t know there’s a file? I mean, I wouldn’t have known that I could have a file if I hadn’t called. And I’m thinking, what if she’s struggling with feeling rejected and abandonment because of my choice, when there’s these letters in this file telling her she’s loved.
And so after talking to my husband and getting permission, I called the agency and I said, ‘I don’t even know if this is possible or if it’s legal, but is there a way you can find my daughter and just tell her there’s a file?’ And shockingly, they said, ‘Well, we can’t promise, but we can try.’
And so within a week, I got a phone call saying they had found her. And for the first time, I heard her real name: it’s Twila. And I was floored to find out that she was married and had just had her first baby girl. So that now made me a grandma.
And I mean, I was blown away. And they said that she was just shocked to hear from them. She just wasn’t anticipating it. Obviously she knew she was adopted, but she needed time to process it and talk to her husband and to talk to her parents. And then she would get back to the agency.
And so I cried for days. Like I couldn’t believe she’s real. And so then I got the phone call maybe a week later saying that she really wasn’t ready for my file. But to be nice, she thought it was only fair that she write me a letter. She would send it to the agency. They would let me know when they got it.
So the letter came and I was blown away. I could see her handwriting. I could learn something about her. And when I speak and hold up this letter to my audience, I always say this, do you think I just read it one time and said, that’s nice, and never read it again? No.
I read this letter over and over and over because I didn’t know if I’d get another one. And this was all I had to tell me who my daughter was. And the first thing I learned was that she loved Jesus. And I thought, you know what, even if I never get to meet her here, I will meet her someday. And that brought my heart comfort. It really did.
So anyway, I wrote her a letter back through the agency, thanking her for the gift. And I released her. Like I said, I couldn’t make her want to know me or to like me even. So anyway, I let it go.
Well, God began to unfold a journey that to this day, I’m just full of gratitude to Him. She eventually asked for the file and read my letters. So we began corresponding through writing until we felt ready to meet.
And the day finally came that I got to meet her and meet her husband and meet my little granddaughter, Emily. And my parents who prayed for her every single day of her life got to meet her. It was really precious, because this was their first grandchild that had been placed for adoption. So now, I’ve met my daughter and we really didn’t know what would happen after that, but we just trusted God for the journey.
So now a couple of weeks later, I’m at home and I’m having my daily quiet time and my assigned reading was in Acts 17. And Paul is in Athens. He’s separated from his buddies and he’s waiting for them and he’s walking through town and he sees all these idols that the Greeks worship.
But his eyes fall on this one idol that’s engraved, ‘unknown God.’ So he pulls the religious people together and he says, ‘I see you worship a lot of gods, but there’s this one that you don’t know who he is and I am gonna tell you who he is.’
And so Paul says, ‘He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn’t live in man-made temples and human hands can’t serve his needs for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything and he satisfies every need.’
And here’s the verse where God changed my life: “From one man, he created all the nations and he determined the time set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, we are his offspring.”
It was that little word ‘seek’ that jumped off the page. And I thought, wait a minute, God, I never really saw this before — that you created me for the purpose of seeking you because you want me to find you.
And all of a sudden, God just spoke into my heart and he said, ‘Anita, you ought to know what this verse is all about. You know how you wanted Twila to not only look for you, but to want to find you. That’s how I feel about all my offspring. I want them to seek me. I want them to find me.’
God said, ‘You know how you started a file with letters telling her how you loved her and you want to be in relationship? I have my own file. You know the same reason you put letters in your daughter’s file are the same reason I put letters in this [the Bible]. I want my children to know I love them and I want to be in relationship with them. I want to be a part of their life, but – and this is a big but – just like you couldn’t make Twila want to get that file and read your letters, neither can I make my own children open the Bible and read my letters. And you know what it feels like.’
And see that’s what gave birth to my ministry. I knew that pain of thinking if only she’d read those letters, but I couldn’t make it happen.
For the first time, I understood God’s pain. He loves us more than we love our own children. And so His pain has to be greater and He sees our suffering and He sees us being so distracted and running around looking everywhere else but taking the time to go to Him and allowing His words to heal us. It says in the Word, ‘He sent His Word and healed them.’
And I just was like, my word – sorry, this is a terrible word to say – but we’re idiots. When it’s all right there – everything we need is here with God. And until I meet Him face-to-face, like this is all I have. These are His letters.
Until I met Twila face-to-face, her letters were all I had, and her letters prepared me for the time we did meet face-to-face. But now I realized [the Bible] is helping me, and I will be ready to see Jesus face-to-face because I’ve spent time in His word.
And so, that revelation began my ministry. And I got on the floor, face down, I cried and I said, ‘Lord, If you want me to encourage others to open their file and read your letters, you open the doors and I will always walk through them and share my story and give everyone a Bible reading plan.’
But I have to back up…when I got Twila’s letter, do you think I read it because I just wanted to study her? No. It was for the joy of knowing my daughter. And see, since I’ve been a Christian sixty some years, I had lost the joy. That’s why my ministry is called JoyShop. I started reading the Bible because I was supposed to — to be a good Christian. And I lost sight of the joy.
And this is what Jesus did, one day He convicted me and he said, ‘You don’t read my letters like you read hers.’ And that’s when I changed how I read the Bible. I said I will never look at your Word the same again.
So that’s the mission of my ministry. And my pain of the past has led me into service for His kingdom. And you know what? Only God can do that.
Only God can bring healing and joy to something that is so devastating – even something that you might want to hide from people. It’s just a beautiful thing. God is beautiful how He brings healing to us when we’re willing to be transparent and serve others in our own pain.
And here’s something I want to say also to the audience: I had a child that I never saw and never held. But I would have laid down my life for her. I loved her unconditionally.
And that is the Father’s love. You know, He sent Jesus. Jesus loves us more than we love our own family. It’s hard to comprehend that. But the Father laid down himself through His Son for the world, for all to come to know Him. He did it all.
So the love is there, but we have to receive it. My love was always there for Twila, but she had to be open to receive that love.
Listen to or watch the full conversation on Apple, Spotify or YouTube.
Thank you for being here,
Katharine
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