Grandparents Should Be More Than Just Playmates

"The cultural view of a good grandparent is a trusted playmate. And that’s not bad. It’s just not enough."

Below is part of a conversation with Larry Fowler, founder of the Legacy Coalition–a Christian grandparenting ministry that helps grandparents grow in their biblical role and have a greater spiritual impact on their family.

Larry explores what Scripture actually says about the influence of grandparents, why our culture’s definition of a “good grandparent” falls short, and how to cultivate a spiritual legacy that will echo across generations.

He also offers practical wisdom for grandparents who live far away, those navigating difficult family dynamics or estrangement, and those who feel inadequate in sharing their faith.

If you prefer listening, you can listen to/watch the full conversation on Apple, Spotify or YouTube.

Can you talk a little bit about the role of grandparents from a Biblical perspective?

Well, first of all, we need to remember we’re not the parent. And so it is a secondary role to the role that parents have in passing on faith. However, in many families, the parents don’t do it as much as they should. And the grandparents may actually be the primary spiritual influence.

But from the perspective of what the scripture has to say, grandparents are to be focused on perpetuating faith in their families. And it’s not only what the Bible says, it’s also the greatest passion of my heart. There’s nothing I want more in this world, Katharine, than my grandkids to be in heaven with me someday.

And I want to do everything that I can as a grandfather to make that a reality and not just grandkids, but great grandkids and the generations that follow. So in a single phrase, we are to be perpetuating faith in our family.

So how should grandparents go about perpetuating faith and investing in the lives of their grandchildren?

Well, they should start with their own walk with the Lord. I tell people that our number one job is to “watch ourselves.” And that’s how Deuteronomy 4:9 starts, it says to “watch yourselves.”

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children…” Deuteronomy 4:9

I need to be the most godly I’ve ever been in my whole life at this stage if I want to impact grandkids. I can’t have slipped backwards in my spiritual walk. And I’m not perfect, but I need to be better than I was in living out the Christian life. And we need to be that example.

But a part of being that example is we have to have proximity to grandchildren so they can see our example. If we never see them, we never have contact. And sometimes grandparents don’t have a choice. But if you have the choice, you need to be with your grandchildren so they can see your godly example.

The second thing, biblically, that grandparents are supposed to do is they are to be storytellers. We read that over and over again in scripture.

And very specifically, storytellers that includes the God element. You know, what did God do? How did we see God work in this situation? We are to pass on the stories of God’s works and His words. And so those are two real big responsibilities of a Christian.

How does the biblical role of grandparents differ from cultural messaging?

That’s what really motivated us so much early on as we saw that churches never talked about the role of a grandparent. Even today, many times when I’m with a new audience, I’ll ask, how many of you have ever heard a sermon on grandparents? And almost always no hands go up. I say, have you ever attended a class on grandparents? No hands.

So when the church doesn’t address the role of a grandparent, it means the only voice in the ears of grandparents is the cultural voice about what makes a good grandparent.

So many Christian grandparents are deceived to think they’re a good grandparent if they go to their activities, love on them, have them come over, spoil them, sugar them up, send them home.

My good friend Josh Mulvihill summarizes it this way: the cultural view of a good grandparent is a trusted playmate. And that’s not bad. I mean, I want to be a trusted playmate for my grandkids. It’s just not enough. The Bible has a higher standard than that.

What tips do you have for grandparents that live far away from their grandchildren?

Yeah, that of course is extremely common. I think probably well over half of grandparents have at least one set of grandchildren that don’t live close.

But first is to consider moving. Are you really living in the best spot to have an influence on your grandkids? What matters the most to you: staying in a home that you’ve lived for 40 years or having a greater spiritual impact on grandkids?

But that’s not a possibility for everybody. So here are some things that they can do. Number one is you have to communicate on a regular basis and you have to communicate in the way that works for the grandkids. So for example, a five-year-old granddaughter will love to FaceTime with you every single morning.

And it won’t last long. It’ll be like three or four minutes and then she’ll be done. But when that granddaughter gets to 15, she’s not going to want to FaceTime you every morning anymore. So you have to adapt and change, but you stay consistent in communicating with them, texting, FaceTiming, whatever you can do.

What’s really interesting, of course, is our grandchildren never get mail in the mailbox anymore. Snail mail to grandkids is a novelty. It’s actually more special than the texting because they’re digital natives.

And then another thing, when you do go to visit, make sure that you spend individual time with each grandchild. You essentially date them when you go to visit. You want family time, but there are things that happen one-on-one.

So go out for coffee, take them out for ice cream. When you get one-on-one time, you get all sorts of conversations that you wouldn’t get in a family setting.

What about grandparents that have been estranged from their children and grandchildren?

Yeah, that’s not just more prevalent, it has become an epidemic. And it is an epidemic in that there are many, many more counselors that are recommending cutting off family to avoid difficult conversation.

So if there’s a conflict between grandparents and parents, and the parents go to a counselor, chances are pretty good that the counselor is going to tell them, ‘Well, just cut them off, don’t try to resolve it. Just cut them off.’

And many times the grandparents don’t have any clue what they did that was wrong. And part of that is we are usually blind to our own contributions to a conflict. We don’t always see those so much.

So, probably in most of those cases, grandparents had something to do with it. Maybe they were a little too quick with their opinions or something like that. So they could have contributed.

But here’s my word to them: research tells us that when there is an estrangement, where grandparents are cut off from children and grandchildren, the estrangement averages lasting four and a half years, but it almost always comes back. The family almost always heals.

And four and a half years may seem like an eternity. The statistics are that some of them last six months, some last 30 years. So there is hope that it’s not gonna be that way for the rest of your life.

We had a lady that was on our podcast a couple of years ago, she was a single grandma and her daughter had cut her off on the advice of counselors and they had not talked for 20 years. And this grandmother was grieving. She’s now 80 and wondering, will she ever, ever have a conversation?

And we talked about how important it is that, as you reach out, that you reach out first asking for forgiveness for anything that you might’ve done. And this grandma took that seriously. She didn’t realize it, but she had been an over-controlling mother, thinking that she was doing the right thing, but it came across wrong to her daughter.

And so she found out the daughter’s address. She had to do some detective work, found the daughter’s address, sent a letter asking for forgiveness and didn’t hear a word. And this was an Asian family. Then the Chinese new year came along, so she sent her daughter a Chinese new year’s card. And then the daughter responded and she sent a message back.

And she said, by the way, thank you for asking for forgiveness. And today, that grandmother and mother are completely restored in their relationship.

Let’s talk about boundaries. How should grandparents navigate boundaries that are put in place by their children?

Grandparents have to remember they’re in the second seat. They’re not in the driver’s seat. While you’re still the parent now, you must no longer parent – verb – unless invited.

That’s one of the most common mistakes that grandparents make, especially with a brand new baby or first time grandchild. The daughter-in-law is brand new to this and grandma just wants to tell her how to do it. And many times her enthusiasm of wanting to help and wanting to be an encouragement ends up actually damaging the relationship.

So boundaries are really important. Grandparents need to respect the boundaries.

Let me give you a tough one. We had a grandma at one of our classes stand up at the end and she said, ‘Mr. Fowler, that all sounds good, but my son says I can either see my granddaughter or talk to her about God, but I can never do both because the minute that I mention God to my granddaughter, I’ll never be allowed to see her.’

So the father was putting a boundary in place that says don’t talk about God. So what do you do? You want this granddaughter to be in heaven with you.

So do you respect that boundary? And the answer is yes. You have to respect that boundary, otherwise you’ll get cut off and you won’t have any influence at all. Instead, you rely on your witness and your testimony. You make sure that you’re leaning into the relationship with the granddaughter and you honor what the father has to say.

But in doing that, you also create an opportunity for your granddaughter to see what a godly life is like.

What would you say to grandparents who are hearing about this for the first time or don’t feel qualified to pass on their faith?

It begins by a desire of our heart. None of us are adequate. I mess up regularly as a grandparent. I have to ask my grandsons for forgiveness every so often and I miss opportunities.

But it begins with our heart, doesn’t it? And so it starts with rekindling that passion to see your family in heaven with you.

And then secondly, to understand that the Bible speaks to grandparenting. The Bible gives us a command, so if we’re gonna be obedient, we’re going to seek to follow what Scripture has to say about our role as a grandparent.

And Katharine, there are thousands and thousands of Christian grandparents that have taken the step to become intentional Christian grandparents. The key word is intentional. I’m going to do what I can. And most grandparents are mature enough that they can figure out some things they can start to do as they understand what scripture has to say.

Listen to or watch the full conversation on Apple, Spotify or YouTube.

Thank you for being here,

Katharine

P.S. Eternal Echoes is free today. But if you’d like to partner with me in passing on faith and wisdom to future generations, I’d be so grateful if you consider supporting my work. I thank you truly, kindly and sincerely.

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